In many Singaporean households, grandparents are not just occasional visitors—they often live under the same roof and spend more time with the children than the parents do.
While this is a blessing in terms of love, guidance, and support, it can also create a complex parenting dynamic that leaves both children and parents navigating multiple styles and rules.
Many of us are lucky to have our parents or in-laws actively involved in childcare. But their parenting reflects the time when they were raising children:
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“Finish everything on your plate, or else…”
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“Stop running around, be proper.”
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“Eat some more, you’re still small.”
These instructions come from a place of love and experience, but for modern parents, they can sometimes feel confusing—or even contradictory—to what we now know about children’s emotional and developmental needs.
Tips for Working With Grandparents
If your parents or in-laws live with you—or spend more time with your child than you do—here are some ways to work together without conflict:
1. Start With Respect
Acknowledge that grandparents are experienced and loving. Begin conversations with appreciation, not correction.
Example:
“Ah Ma, I really appreciate how much you help with mealtimes. I was thinking we could try letting him stop when he’s full today—so he learns to listen to his own hunger cues.”
2. Set Clear Boundaries Gently
Decide on the non-negotiables (e.g., nap routines, screen time limits) and communicate them calmly.
Example:
“We try to keep nap time at 1 pm every day. Can we help him settle around that time together?”
3. Share the Why
Grandparents are more likely to follow your approach when they understand the reason behind it.
Example:
“We encourage him to finish only what he’s hungry for, because forcing food can make mealtimes stressful and less fun for him.”
4. Compromise Where Possible
Sometimes letting them indulge in a treat or a “grandparent rule” keeps the relationship harmonious—without compromising your core parenting principles.
Example:
“Sure, he can have the extra cookie this time, but let’s make sure he finishes his fruit first.”
5. Make It a Team
Approach parenting as a collaboration rather than a hierarchy. When grandparents feel included, they’re more willing to adapt to your style.
Dealing With Emotions: When Grandparents Don’t Agree
Even with respect, boundaries, and explanations, there will be moments when grandparents disagree or stick to their old habits. This can be frustrating, exhausting, and emotional—but there are ways to handle it without conflict:
1. Pause and Take a Breath
When a disagreement arises, it’s easy to react emotionally. Pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself: their approach comes from love, not malice.
2. Pick Your Battles
Not every difference needs to become a debate. Decide what matters most for your child’s emotional or physical wellbeing, and let the smaller issues slide.
3. Communicate Calmly and Clearly
Focus on your child’s needs rather than telling them they’re wrong.
Example:
“I understand you want him to finish his plate, Ah Ma, but he’s really full. If he eats more, it could upset his stomach. Can we try stopping now?”
4. Use “We” Language
Framing rules as a team effort reduces defensiveness.
Example:
“We’re trying to help him learn to listen to his hunger cues—can we do this together?”
5. Take Time for Yourself
Living with multiple generations can be emotionally draining. Make space to process your feelings—journal, chat with a friend, or take a short break.
Bridging Generations
Parenting in Singapore today isn’t about rejecting the past, nor blindly following it. It’s about gently bridging generations. Same love. Different tools. One child learning from all of us.
Being caught between generations is both a challenge and an opportunity. We honour the wisdom of our elders while guiding our children in ways we believe nurture their emotional growth. It’s a balancing act. A daily dilemma. But ultimately, it’s a journey of love, patience, and understanding.
Hello! I am Mummy Kim!
A beauty-loving mum who believes that looking good and feeling good go hand in hand. My parenting mantra is raising happy, confident kids with strong self-esteem! Between facial masks and storybooks, I’m all about nurturing both inner and outer beauty, for myself and my little ones.
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